My Testimony

Today I want to share a little bit of my testimony with all of you. It's a work in progress, and I'm definitely not perfect, but I hope you'll bear with me and take the time to read it.

The first time I went back to the temple I went for the wrong reasons entirely. I didn't really go for myself. I thought I had, but I didn't fully understand what going for myself meant.

I was seeking acceptance, which I hadn't felt in a very long time. Acceptance from someone who, in all honesty, wasn't going to matter in six months from that time.

I wanted to make myself better for this friend. I wanted to show that, I too, could make it to the temple and be worthy.

Some may not understand why this is such a terrible thing. That even though my intentions were wrong, at least I made it there! 

I used to think that as well.

That is until my friend, that had been such a rock for me in the church, wasn't the person I thought he could have been.  And now, I was left wondering where I really stood in the church.

Did I even believe? What exactly was my testimony? A testimony, that I had been so sure I had before, was now something I questioned.

It's an awful feeling, to question your own faith.

I wish I could say that I hadn't fallen back into temptation - but I did, shortly after having a fallout with my friend. But Satan is always working against us, he is always trying to make you doubt yourself and your strength. But we must refuse to listen.

There are many reasons why I chose to leave the country and come to Ukraine. The biggest reason being to find myself. It's been a long time since I've been able to do that without outside interference.

I’d like to share a story of what happened about a month ago. A short time after my friend and I had been on the rocks, I did something really stupid. I look bad and feel such inner turmoil that it's hard to even write yet alone think about.

The first time I attempted to truly repent, I said my biggest hardship was not understanding how you can be sorry? I mean, I was in love right? How can it really be that bad?

After this relapse I was overcome with sorrow. I was in a daze the rest of the day, numb from what had happened, and when I got home that night all I could do was cry into my pillow and pray that Heavenly Father could forgive me.

I felt I didn't deserve to be forgiven. I had already screwed up so many times in the past, to me it felt like too many. I tried to remind myself that it was only the adversary telling me these things, but it was so hard to believe I could be forgiven again. So hard to believe I could have a second, yet alone a twenty-second, chance.

I think what made it hurt the most was knowing that after so many years I was finally temple worthy, and in one day that was gone.

What started out as an ordinary Sunday, of all days, turned out to be one the worst days of my life.

Right up there with placing Noah.

I had never been more ashamed of myself.

Coming to Ukraine has been one of the harder, but best choices I've made in my life thus far.

I'm in the process of repentance for what feels like the hundredth time.

I can only pray that this is also the last, for something as serious as this. I look forward to the day when I will be able to enter inside the temple once again.

I love everyone who has been there for me through all the trials I have put them through, and I'm so sorry I couldn't make you proud of me.

I'm so sorry for being weak. 

But I'm also glad.

Without this trial, I never would have been able to say that this testimony is one hundred percent my own.

That it's not based off of something I wish I had, it's based off of something I know to be true.

I don't think until this moment I have actually believed the words I used to utter when I was a girl in sacrament meeting.

But now I can say, without any doubt in my mind:

I’d like to bare my testimony. I KNOW this church is true. I know that Heavenly Father loves me. He hears my prayers. I am so thankful for the atonement, for without it I would be lost. I am thankful for my savior, and all things that he did. I am also sorry for all the pain that I have caused, that he also had to endure. I don’t know what I would do without this church. Even when I have turned the other direction, Heavenly Father has been there for me; helping me through all my trials. I firmly believe this church to be the one and only true church on the earth today.

I say these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.