It's midnight.

It's midnight.

It's midnight, on a typical Thursday night.

It's midnight, on a typical Thursday night, and I'm trying to figure myself out.

Who, exactly, decided that when you turned twenty you were wise enough to make decisions that would impact the rest of your life?

Because I am almost twenty years old, and I have absolutely no idea what I would like to do with the rest of my life - let alone the next six months.

I assume this is a pretty normal thing for people my age to be going through. That horrible feeling of walking into a dark tunnel, and not knowing what is at the end waiting for you. I just can't help but feel like I'm having a harder time than most people.

Sometimes I consider myself an old soul, like when I'm talking to other college students my age and for some reason we aren't the same. It's not something I can fully explain, just a feeling I wish I didn't have.

I wish I could know the future, even if it was only a glimpse.

How do people decide what they want to do for the rest of their lives...? That seems like such a huge deal to me.

My biggest fear is looking back on my life and wishing I would have done things differently.

All I want is to be able to be one thing one day, and then be able to change my mind the next. Who says I have to only have one career path? Why can't I choose them all?

Why can't I be a teacher, and an artist, and a firefighter, and serve my country all at the same time?

Who made that rule?

Why is it, that we have to settle on one particular thing?

I don't want to live with regrets.

In an ideal world I would be able to figure out "what I wanted to be when I grow up" as many times as I wanted; until I was lying on my death bed!

I don't know who decided that twenty was the golden age at which people needed to know what they were going to do, probably some stuffed shirt in the school administration system, but I am telling you all now that I've got nothin'.

I want to make a difference in the world. 

I want to make an impact.

I want to be a writer.

I want to be a musician.

I want to be a baker.

I want to be an Olympian.

I want to witness a miracle.

I want to climb Mount Everest (with or without oxygen).

I want to ride in a hot air balloon.

I want to learn to cook something other than spaghetti.

I want to step foot on all 7 continents.

I want to start some sort of humanitarian aide in Africa.

I want to help other's live up to their full potential.

I want to be able to support myself financially.

I want to be a mom.

I want to be a "real" mom.

I want to make my adopted son proud.

I want to make my family proud.

But most importantly, I want to make myself proud. 

Whoever made the rule that you had to have life figured out at twenty was an idiot.

I don't know if I'll ever have life figured out - maybe not even when I'm 95 and other's are coming to me for advice on this very same thing.

Life is so full of unanswerable questions, and I wish that knowing what to make of yourself, wasn't one of them.